Suffering from severe depression, experiencing extreme paranoia, and during a dissociative episode I committed some crimes. Although I don’t remember much of what I did, I took and take full responsibility for my actions. I accepted a plea deal that resulted in a 360-day sentence served in the Hopkins County Jail in Kentucky. These letters are a record of my journey and recovery both mentally and spiritually. They are offered to you as written with only minor editing. It is my prayer that through my experience you may find hope and help.
Began July 1, 2013
It’s 1:30 PM and I’ve been thinking about how to reply to your letter. The feelings I have about my marriage are confusing. Under only the strictest reading of the law am I a married man. No relational definition, including the Bible, would recognize my state as married. “I hate divorce,” say the Lord and I agree. I tried for 14 years to save my marriage. Most recently, after sixty days of begging C_____ not to leave me and please get some help with me, I was done. I was spent. I didn’t have anymore to give. No more stomach for it. I had been rejected for the last time by her. I don’t want to say God released me because I try to be very careful what I assign to God, but I was released. As far as I’m concerned, I was divorced in every sense of the word except legal on that day.
As a theologian, I abhor the divorce rate in our country. I wish there was a way to strengthen marriage and make divorce harder. But, in my case I want to exercise what I saw on a movie one time and say, “I divorce you,” three times and be done with it.
The pain in your voice on Saturday, June 29, haunted me. In your grief you are still clinging to the joy of your relationship with your spouse. You are still in an active love relationship with the one who made you feel special and brought happiness to your world. It is selfish and heartless for someone to ask you to think about tomorrow when you are still in mourning about yesterday. Today may be all you can bear at the moment. May the Lord be near as you lay to rest your yesterdays and as you try to live each today.
I found a book by Hannah Whitall Smith in the library entitled, The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life. In it she discussed discerning the will of God. She writes, “There are four ways in which God reveals His will to us – through the Scriptures, through providential circumstances, through the convictions of our higher judgement, and through the inward impressions of the Holy Spirit in our minds.”
Every parenting couple needs law and grace in the home. I was law although they all know I had a grace filled heart. They called me, “’Ol Softy.” Thank you for sharing. I like to pray specifically about needs.
That water park sounds fun. I always wear a T-shirt. I don’t like to show off my fat. I would hate to tempt any chubby chasers. LOL! I haven’t caught up with the times yet, either. I still wear the short trunks. My legs are my best feature. LOL! Like your granddaughter, I’m cautious on water rides. With my weight things go so much faster. My grandchildren both loved and were scared to ride with Papa.
We got another cell mate today. He’s an alphabet soup of mental health disorders. He also appears to have a mild mental deficiency. They have no where to place him so they put him in jail until a bed opens in a facility that will take him. It’s sad. There’s another man here that clearly has fetal alcohol syndrome. Both broke the law, but surely there is a better place for people who have mental health issues and developmental delays than jail. They get made fun of or taken advantage of in a place like this unless someone steps up to protect and help them.
The LORD be with you.